Shared Silence

Posted on Sat Sep 20th, 2025 @ 11:59am by Ensign Eric Banner & Ensign Matt Connor

1,032 words; about a 5 minute read

Mission: Respite

The lounge was quieter than usual. After the memorial, most of the crew had drifted off. Some had gone back to their quarters, some to duty, and others to nurse their grief in solitude. But Matt couldn’t bring himself to leave. He sat at a table by the view port, staring at the star field that stretched endlessly beyond. A half finished glass of synthehol sat in front of him, untouched for the better part of an hour. His uniform still felt stiff from the ceremony, his chest tight from holding it together. Commander Rogers had been more than just the first officer. He’d been a mentor, someone Matt had looked up to since the commander had helped Matt turn things around. And now he was gone. Just like that. Matt rubbed at his eyes, trying to shake the hollow ache. That’s when he noticed movement at the entrance. Turning his head, he noticed Ensign Banner, looking about as adrift as Matt felt.

Eric hesitated. He’d wandered into the lounge without really knowing why. Maybe to escape the silence of his quarters, maybe to feel less alone. His first away mission had turned into a nightmare, and though the service had honored Rogers and Oku beautifully it had also sharpened the rawness he’d been carrying since Adelphous. When he saw Connor sitting at a table, a wave of relief mixed with apprehension. He hadn’t spoken much to Matt outside of duty, but in this moment familiarity mattered more than comfort. He walked over slowly, pulling out the chair across from Matt. “Hey,” he said, his voice subdued. “Mind if I sit?”

Matt shook his head, managing a small, tired smile. “Not at all. Probably better than sitting here brooding by myself.” He waited until Eric had sat down before speaking again. “How are you holding up? I mean, that was a hell of a first mission.”

Eric let out a bitter laugh, one that didn’t quite sound like him. “That’s one way to put it.” He leaned forward, elbows on the table, staring at the glass Matt hadn’t touched. “Honestly? I can’t stop replaying it. The sounds, the panic, the way it felt like we were seconds from being next. I thought I was ready. I thought that the academy had prepared me for danger. But nothing prepares you for that. Watching people die right in front of you and not being able to do a damned thing about it other than think and feel that you're next.”

Matt nodded slowly. He remembered his own first away mission, though it hadn’t been anywhere near as bad as Adelphous. “No, it doesn’t. The Academy gives you books and holosims, but it’s not the same. Out there it’s real. It’s messy. And sometimes, it’s unfair as hell.” He paused, staring into his glass. “Rogers once told me every mission leaves a mark. What matters is how you carry it.” His voice faltered just a bit on the name, but he steadied himself. “Guess I didn’t realize how true that was until now.”

Eric’s gaze snapped back at that. “You were close to him, weren’t you?”

Matt gave a short nod and finally reached for the glass. He picked it up, then set it right back down.

Eric felt a pang of guilt. Here he was drowning in his own fear while Matt had lost someone he truly admired. “I’m sorry,” Eric said quietly. “I can’t imagine what that’s like. He seemed like the kind of officer everyone respected.”

“He was,” Matt replied, his tone softening. “Not just respected. He cared about the ship, and the crew. He never made me feel like I was just another ensign. He made me feel like I was someone who mattered.” His hand clenched into a fist on the table before he forced it to relax. “Losing him was like losing the backbone of the ship. But he wouldn’t want us to fold under it. He’d want us to stand up and keep moving forward.”

Eric swallowed hard and shifted uncomfortably in his seat. “I don’t know how you do it. How you, how anyone, can see all that and then keep going like it’s just another day.” His voice cracked, the fear slipping through. “What if I’m not cut out for this? What if I freeze next time? What if it’s me that doesn’t come back?”

Matt leaned forward, his voice firm but not unkind. “Listen to me, Banner. Everyone asks themselves those questions after their first real brush with danger. Everyone. The fact that you’re even sitting here, asking if you can keep going, that means you can.” He tapped the table for emphasis. “Courage isn’t about not being scared. It’s about being scared and still showing up. And you showed up. You made it back. That matters.”

The words landed harder than Eric expected. For the first time since Adelphous, he felt something shift inside like a tiny crack in the wall of fear and guilt. “You really think so?” he asked, almost tentative.

Matt gave a small grin. “I do. And I’ll tell you what. I’m not going to let you go through this alone. Rogers looked out for me when I was green. Guess it’s my turn to pay it forward.” He raised his glass, finally taking a sip before adding, “We’re crew, Banner. That means we’ve got each other’s backs. On duty, off duty, it doesn’t matter.”

Eric let out a shaky breath, but for the first time in days, he felt lighter. He nodded, managing the faintest of smiles. “Thanks, Connor. Really. I needed to hear that.” He looked out the view port again, the stars still vast and unchanging. For the first time, though, they didn’t feel quite as lonely.

“Anytime,” Matt said simply. Then, after a beat, he added with a faint grin, “Though next time, you’re buying the drinks.”

Eric chuckled, the sound surprising even himself. “Deal.”

 

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